With the Oscars fast approaching on March 7th, I thought I’d do my own little tribute to the movies of 2009. No doubt there were a lot of great films to see last year, but Hollywood pats itself on the back enough. So I’d like to take a “Thumbs Down” approach and talk about some of the biggest flops…
Popcorn Philosophy presents:
The Burnt Popcorn Awards
Worst Movie Sequel Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen –
You would think Michael Bay would learn from his mistakes, but instead he just goes and repeats them. But I guess I would too, if screwing up a good thing earned me $400-million!
Worst Movie You’ve Never Heard Of Ace Venture Jr.: Pet Detective –
There’s a reason these things go straight to video, or straight to the garbage bin in this case.
Most Boring Film of the Year The Soloist –
Jaime Foxx with bad teeth and greasy hair delivering a cheesy Hallmark card performance featuring endless classical music montages… Please make it stop!
Most Nightmare Inducing Film Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel –
I don’t care how “cute” they are supposed to be; the computer generated teenage rodents freak me out! The fact that they are boy-band heartthrobs to human girls makes it even more disturbing.
Grossest On-Screen Kiss Seth Rogen and Anna Farris in Observe and Report -
We get to observe her throwing up all over his shoes and then frenching with chunks stuck to her chin. Icky.
Most Awkward Love Scene Sandra Bullock and Bradley Cooper in All About Steve –
She throws herself at him in the back of his van parked at the end of her parent’s driveway. This is the most awkward scene in the movie, which is saying a lot.
Most Gratuitous Nude Scene My Bloody Valentine 3-D –
This was really just an excuse to feature big, fake knockers bouncing around on the big screen in 3-D. And this wasn’t just a momentary flash of nudity but a full-on extended scene of jiggling 3-dimensional silicon.
Lamest Action Hero Tom Hanks in Angels and Demons –
Does anyone really believe that Tom Hanks could even throw a punch or that he could run all over Vatican City without having a heart attack? He’d be better off chucking “Wilson” at the heads of evildoer’s.
Worst Fashion Statement Angelina Jolie –
Sorry Lady Gaga but Angelina Jolie has set the bar, making children the most popular fashion accessory. Instead of swapping purses to change up an outfit, just pick out a new kid. They come in all sizes and colors – collect and trade them all! “It’s a Small World After All”.
Biggest Ego Megan Fox –
Sure she’s beautiful but she trashes her coworkers, has a mouth like a sailor and goes under the knife for completely unnecessary plastic surgery. She doesn’t just star in Transformers, she IS a Transformer and she’s got the ginormous, globe-shaped, umm… ego to prove it.
Most Blatant Cash Grab Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience –
Disney’s poster boys for teenage abstinence ride the 3D wave of dollars before their popularity wanes. Between Jonas and Hannah Montana, Disney sure knows how to milk the cash cow.
Fattest Wallet James Cameron for Avatar –
What do you get the guy who has everything? Reportedly Cameron kept one of the giant mech’s used in Avatar to place in his garden. Look out below, garden gnomes!
Most Distracting Haircut Sandra Bullock in All About Steve –
While everyone was talking about Robert Pattison’s hair in New Moon, I was obsessing over Sandra’s dirty-blonde fe-mullet. By far the WORST hair cut of the year in movies.
Silliest Wig Taylor Lautner in Twilight: New Moon –
Thankfully becoming a werewolf also means getting a visit to the salon. Jacob comes to his senses and chucks that horrible Halloween Witch wig in favor of a tidy trim and all-over body waxing.
Check out the real deal during the 82nd Academy Awards on March 7th.
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