Monday, 21 September 2020
10,000 BC
Written by Sandra Fitzpatrick   
Wednesday, 12 March 2008 13:39

ThumbnailIt’s a very good thing that Crest Whitestrips were invented in the year 10,000 BC. Otherwise we might be spending two hours looking at cavemen with blackened, gingivitis smiles instead of gazing at perfect rows of pearly whites. These Neanderthals, with their perfectly coifed dreadlocks, look more like they stepped out of a perfume commercial than out of a cave dwelling. Instead, the makers of 10,000 BC treat the audience like the Neanderthals, throwing us an idiotic movie and assuming we aren’t smart enough to realize how bad it is.

The so-called “legend” begins when a young girl, Evolet, is rescued by a mountain-tribe after her people are attacked by “four legged demons”. Her unusual blue eyes set her apart and catch the eye of a young mammoth hunter named D’Leh. Of course the four legged demons return and they aren’t demons at all but men on horseback who capture half of the villagers including Evolet. Here’s a fact: Horses weren’t domesticated until 4,000 BC and weren’t used for transportation until at least 2,000 BC. Looks like the filmmakers couldn’t figure out how to use Wikipedia.

Of course D’Leh follows the baddies across snow capped mountains, tropical rainforests, and wind-blown deserts to rescue his true love. I’d like to find out what part of the world one could visit to experience this variety of extreme climates all within walking distance. For her part, Evolet miraculously avoids being beaten, raped, or having her mascara run. In fact, she is the object of desire for the leader of the captors who gazes longingly at her instead of having his way with her as he no doubt would have in real life.Thumbnail

Along the way there’s plenty of action to be had as our loin-cloth clad hero runs with massive mammoths, gets attacked by creepy giant turkeys, and makes friends with a saber-tooth kitty a la Fred Flintstone. Previews for the film make it look like a special effects extravaganza, but when these creatures are on screen for any length of time they look like glorified cartoons. The mammoths are probably the best of the lot, but look pretty fake when sharing the screen with humans.

The prehistoric tribes themselves are pretty silly and the fact that they speak in English really doesn’t help with suspension of disbelief. They look and talk mostly like people do now, which just makes them look ridiculous in their setting. Not to mention our modernly beautiful hero and heroine. All they did was stick some extra heavy eyebrows on the girl and voila.

10,000 BC is a film that should have been a television miniseries. The fact that it is number one at the box office says something for how little is out there right now.