Wednesday, 13 December 2017
My Nightmare Before Christmas - 10 Worst Holiday Movies Ever
Written by Sandra Fitzpatrick   
Wednesday, 28 November 2007 00:00
At this joyous time of year, let’s all take a moment to remember the ghosts of Christmas movies past. These festive fiascos could easily take the place of a lump of coal in the stocking of some naughty boy or girl.

The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978) –
Thanks to the wonderful world of torrent downloads I was able to catch up with this obscure TV special last year. In it Han Solo visits Chewbacca’s home planet for “Life Day” celebrations. George Lucas had little to do with making the film and reportedly found it an embarrassment. He’s since decided he prefers to embarrass himself in a more hands-on way by creating the Star Wars Prequels. There’s actually a website dedicated to the Holiday special called www.starwarsholidayspecial.com which has pictures of Chewie’s family!

Surviving Christmas (2004) –
I can’t think of a name more synonymous with Christmas than James Gandolfini. The Sopranos star oozes warm and fuzzy feelings almost as much as I ooze sarcasm. Throw in a stiff, stony-eyed Ben Affleck and you’ve got Christmas crap not worth scraping off your shoe.

Santa’s Slay (2005) Wrestler Bill Goldberg plays Santa, who is actually the son of Satan. Get it? Santa, Satan? Satan, Santa? He’s been forced to do good deeds for 1000 years, but once that time is up goes on a killing rampage! He throws exploding presents, stabs people with candy canes, strangles people with wreaths – on second thought why is this movie on my list? It sounds AWESOME!

Jack Frost (1996) – “He’s chillin’ and killin’” is the tag line for this low budget slasher, a holiday horror movie about a serial killer who dies and comes back as a snowman. He puts his carrot nose to use in ways I don’t want to imagine. I’ve never actually seen this film, but the pictures on the back of the box tell me all I need to know.

Jack Frost (1998) –
Not to be confused with Jack Frost the killer snowman (see above). This family film starred Michael Keaton as a father who dies and, you guessed it, comes back as a snowman. It’s too schmaltzy and saccharine sweet, not to mention that Michael Keaton’s eyebrows just look creepy on a snowman face.

Jingle All the Way (1996) – You’d probably be lying if you said you’d never watched it. Governor Schwarzenegger stars as an indulgent father who goes a little nuts trying to buy a Turbo Man toy for his son. Probably inspired by our own parents’ experiences the first year Cabbage Patch Dolls were on the market.

Fred Claus (2007) – This one is still fresh in my memory as one of the biggest wastes of time this holiday season, unless you want to watch Vince Vaughn being attacked by elves over and over again. Trust me, even the outstanding cast couldn’t save this from disaster.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) –
Probably best known by fans of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 (MST3K to those in the know). This is by all means a bad movie, but a lot of fun to watch nonetheless. Santa and a couple of earth kids have to save the North Pole from ridiculous looking alien invaders by throwing toys at them.

Christmas With the Kranks (2004) – A couple of empty nesters (Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis) decide to skip Christmas altogether and head down south, that is until their daughter announces she’ll be home for the holidays. Instead of telling her their plans they skip the trip and try to pull things together in time for Christmas. Supposed to be funny, but it’s kind of painful to watch.

Home Alone 1, 2 and 3 (1990) –
As big a hit as this movie was, the premise is hardly a happy holiday story. Macaulay Culkin plays a kid whose family completely forgets him when they leave for a Christmas holiday. He has to spend the entire film trying to keep a couple of burglars out of the house. If this story were true it would be grounds to call Child Services. The first one is kind of sad, the sequels are just bad.

Happy Holidays! Now if only Santa would bring me a big screen TV to watch some of these on…